What is a father to do?

Posted on July 29, 2009 by SGT McClain 6

I know that it takes two to raise a child and that both parties should be equally responisble in the raising and rearing of a child.  Also I am not about to try to diminish anything that single mothers have to go thru on a daily basis on top having to carry a foreign growth inside your body for 9 to 10 months.  I understand that there is no way to put a price on how much the services that you in the raising of our youth.  But does that mean that fathers in this situation need to be punished for being fathers.

I am just saying that in the cases where a man and a woman create a child and they are able to work things out between themselves what gives the government the right to step in to that situation and change the rules.

I know that, sadly, the vast majority of cases deal with men and women who can’t stand the sight of each other and in that situation the court has to step in and make sure the needs of the child are met.  However if two people realize that its better for them to be separated in the best interest of the child, and they were both struggling financially before hand, why is it all of that a father has to go into poverty to support his child.

Again I got it raising a child on your own is hard work and no amount of money can cover what you go thru on a daily basis, but there are other programs that the primary custodian can get onto to make sure ends meet and mouths are fed.

Now that you have a child if you income is low enough you qualify for WIC and possibly food stamps.  Also if your income is that low you also qualify to have your daycare paid for by the state, and if you are in really dire straits the state can in some cases give you a place to stay.  However the non-custodial parent (usually the father though my coworker brought up the Kevin Ferderline situation LOL) may now not be able to afford to stay where he was staying, or possibly anywhere else, or if he can it is probably at the sacrifice of being able to get food for himself.

Now I am sure many of you out there are saying well since he doesn’t have the child he can get a second job.  Your absolutely right, except for the fact that in most states income is calculated as a whole not on an individual job basis which means even if he starts working in a job that makes him an extra hundred or two a week a bigger percentage of his check is taken in the name of child support because his entire income went up.

Also he gets screwed when he has time with his child, because if its anything longer than a weekend he has to either take off work… which means less money if he doesn’t have enough leave to cover the period.  Or pay for child care.

This is why I added a clause in my divorce paperwork that clearly stated that if my kids are with me for more than 3 weeks child support stops so that I can support my kids directly.  If you are on court ordered child support, try getting this to happen… Good Luck!  In a best case scenario you may have the amount returned to you in a few months which may or may not be in enough time to help your finances.

Yes I base my feelings off of my personal experiences because if it wasn’t for my ex-wife working with me I wouldn’t have been able to survive during our separation.

While we were married I was the sole source of income, though we both did a great job a racking up the debt.  So when we separated I knew that initially I would not be able to keep my kids due to the nature of my job.  We agreed that for the time being the kids would be best off with her, at the time we were up to our eyeballs in debt, and I was donating plasma just to ensure that we had a little extra cushion after everything was paid… we were living paycheck to prayer to paycheck.  Praying that our van wouldn’t breakdown or nothing serious would happen that would cause our finances to tank.

Well I told her since she was taking the kids to take our van too.. even though I was still making payments on it, because she definitely needed it more than I did.  I had a bike and I would ride that into work daily, I also still had to meet the lease that we had on our house.  Not to mention the debts weren’t going to pay themselves.  However again she was going to set up a new life in California and while by Texas law our debts could be split equally, I figured that I had been paying the bills so I would continue to do so.  But that left very very little money left for child support… though in a manner of speaking I was providing child support.

I know I probably just got a collective WTF but hear me out.  I was still paying the car note and insurance, also my ex was free form the portion of any debts that would be rightfully hers due to our separation, and since she was deciding to leave she was technically breaking the lease, and thus should have had to pay her portion of the rent until I could find a suitable roommate..which since it was military housing probably wasn’t going to happen.

However she and I sat down and made up a plan for support basically showing how much I could afford after putting everything on the table and how over time I could restructure our debt to enable me to pay more for child support until we got to the point where we are today where I am paying in excess of the state required amount and I do so of my own will because I see that my kids need it to survive.

I believe that most fathers would do more for their kids too if given an option like the one I was fortunate enough to have.  Now I understand that there will be comments about how mothers don’t get to ease into motherhood but I argue that you do.  You get a 8 – 10 month window of knowing that you have to rearrange your life for this child, while most separations happen within the course of a few weeks at best.

Also I am not saying that all fathers should get a pass like this to work things out but ones that can prove that they have been active and supporting their kids up to the court order should have this put into consideration when child support is ordered.  I think to do this would strengthen relationships between the mothers and fathers into one where they can be joint parents instead of at war with each other over money.

Again this is just my two cents, please feel free to comment.  I like to hear other points of view because it helps me grow and learn as a person, and hopefully it will help someone else grown and learn as well!

Child Support, Fathers, Parenting, Rants
  • PICKLESX2

    Your very lucky to be able to work things out with your ex-wife. Most are not that fortunate. You want to live were you were and the standards of before but you fault her for wanting the same from what I understand. First off child support in most states is mandate and handled by the state and distributed by the state to make sure the support is paid and a record of the support being paid. You are to be applauded for paying more than required or agreed upon. Most support can not support a child alone, yes there is options out there to the custodian parent, but only if they meet the guidelines. Unfortunately most custodian parents do not. They try to make it week to week and hope the children do not need new shoes, a doctors visit, or other unexpected expenses that they can not afford. If you believe most custodian parents and children live life in splendor or grandeur off the child support paid this is a delusion.

    Yes, it takes two to make a child and it takes two to raise a child in a ideal world but this may not be the case when there is a separation, divorce. Child support is set by the court or agreed upon in most cases. The amount paid by the oblige for a lack of a better term, can fluctuate up and down depending on current income of the payee, if documentation is filed with the court. The custodian parent can also ask for an adjustment as well depending on circumstances.

    Like I said in the beginning of this blog most do not have a mutual understanding as yourself of child support and you and your ex should be applauded for looking out in the best interest of your children.

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  • Maxine

    I totally feel for the good “men” in this that gets screwed. for the boys that have to be forced to do whats right for there child, you get what you deserve.
    For you”women” who hold your children hostage if you dont get what you think you deserve shame on you. The child support is for the support of the child not so that you dont have to work to thru life. Keeping your kids from there father has nothing to do with the money they do or do not pay.

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  • http://www.powderroomchat.com TB

    I have to admit, I was defensive as I read through the entire post and was won over in the final paragraph, when you acknowledged that this situation isn’t intended for all fathers. I agree wholeheartedly that good men like yourself should be given the option of working through the matter of child support in a way that isn’t conventional. But in many cases, even the court ordered child support isn’t necessarily enough, and the programs that you speak of aren’t as easy to get help from as one may think. Why should a woman have to be at poverty level before she gets government assistance. Where is the help for everyday working parents be it male or female?

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  • SGT McClain

    On Twitter I was asked by @True321 what I meant when I said: I wish that courts would stay out of issues with a childs immediate family.

    Well personally I think that when a court orders child support without taking all situations into account then it adds tensions to an already tense situation. Look at it this way, in most cases the parents at least liked each other enough to have sex most times they may have even been in love. Now for whatever reason the relationship ended after they were having a child together or after the child was born. Now instead of being like a normal breakup they can’t just go their seperate ways… but I am sure everyone knows this.

    Add to that tension a father who truly wants to be their for his kids, who is then ordered to pay more than he can afford in child support. Though it may have had little to do with his ex his angst is directed at her, because while he may have been doing all he could before the court order and his child was good now he his having to pay more which makes it much harder for him to survive. So now everytime he sees his ex he thinks of how much he is suffering at the exspense of her…

    I know its not a truly locial though process but hear me out, and I know this does not apply in all situations I am just basing it off of a situation that I personally know of.

    He more than likely is angry with her because he was doing all that he could within his means and the child was more than taken care of but now he has to provide more, and now hes struggling but his ex can now afford late night babysitters, a few new outfits. While he is eating ramen noodles trying to make it until his next dimished paycheck and still trying to have something on the side to have to spend time with his kid. His anger and angst is directed at her, though she has done nothing wrong.

    It keeps them from being the joint parenting unit that they could be. I can only speak from my situation but thanks to my ex’s help I have no problem with paying more for child support, yes I sometimes trip when she asks for more money some months but I don’t explode at her its just a reaction, after I calm back down I almost always send the money because I understand that its for my kids.

    Most guys never get past the anger because they are never given that time to adjust. So they either stay angry… or they hide from the CS payments thus putting themselves in a worse situation, but either way by this point in time now the mother can’t stand him either and their is a constant cloud of anger over a child where there should be a cloud of love.

    I hope this clarifies my position a little more @True321

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    True Reply:
    July 30th, 2009 at 6:16 am

    I get what you are saying. But my comment was in my situation the break-up I was involved in was when we split he split from my child as well. We have been blessed that my child has never been without anything needed and some of the wants. You are right both of us did make our child but he can go do whatever he wants and we can go without a penny sent from him a year at a time or longer. Yes there are good men such as yourself but still there are single mothers like me where the grind is all on us. Don’t get me wrong I love my child and will do everything possible legally to take care of my child with the grace of God. There is no guarantee even with a court order.

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    SGT McClain Reply:
    July 30th, 2009 at 8:29 am

    I am not sure why guys think that the relationship with their child revolves around the relationship with the child mother. I firmly believe that if a woman is keeping you from your kids still do everything that you can for the child because the child will see the truth, but don’t give up. While the converse is also true, if you can’t be in a relationship with the mother what in the world does that have to do with your child? You child can recognize that too.

    I wonder if guys realize that when you do things like the latter situation you leave an impression on your kids that your behavior is how to handle a situation. It is truly sad.

    My heart goes out to all the single mothers out there who by choice or by force are having to do the job that two were meant for, to include my ex.

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