Ok I know if my ex reads this post I may get an earfull so to her I apologize in advance.
As most of you know I am reading Hill Harpers new book “The Conversation” and it has gotten me thinking about why my marriage didn’t work. Now I am not going to go on about some of the bigger details, I am going to try to focus on me and why I couldn’t get it together on my side.
I can honestly say that when I got married I was scared out of my mind. My daughter had just been born a few days before, I was on leave from Germany, I loved my ex wife but I didn’t know if I wanted to be married or not. If you had asked me a few months earlier I would have been all for it, the thing is the marriage I had based my thoughts on marriage on was falling apart right in front of me. My parents had been married for 26 years and they were in the midst of an ugly divorce. All I could think about was that if they could end like that after 26 years what chance do I have at maintaining a marriage?
I remember that it was 4 days before I was supposed to return to Germany before I made up my mind to go thru with it.
Looking back I know I could have been a better husband, but I don’t know if i gave 100% to our marriage. Looking back it always seemed like I was holding back.
Now since I am being completely honest about this it’s confession time. While I am good friends with my ex-wife now I am unsure if iwas truly friends with her before or even during our marriage.
Thinking back I remember disliking various little things about my ex that go all the way back to when we were dating. I don’t recall if I ever brought them up to her but I do remember them becoming major irritations for me as our marriage progressed. I am not going to break down the details of what they were but the fact that I had them more than likely helped to rot away our relationship. For all of this I owe her an apology.
It upsets me that I am learning so much about relationships now that I am not in one any longer, but at least I am learning for the future, whatever that may bring.
