SGTMcClain dot Net

Ok I know this is my first blog post of the new year, but I didn’t know what to write about.  Every time I would start to write I couldn’t find the words because I couldn’t get my thoughts off of my dearly departed friends.  Truth be told I have been beating myself up for not being a better friend to them, and being so distant from them when the time came for them to leave this earth.  Its taken me many days of soul searching to realize that they were my friends and I have no doubts that if they were still here and we were to see each other we would pick up like there was no time lost what so ever.

I know that their is a lot of grieving happening over on facebook, and while I know I cross post from here to twitter I feel that this is a slightly better forum for me so that I don’t step on any feelings over there.  If you have been following my blog posts you know that I have a certain respect for facebook as a public space, but this here is my personal space so this is where I am going to do my grieving for them.

I know this is the time of Earls passing but the close proximity brought back a lot of what I had tried suppress from Helen’s passing and I mean no disrespect to Earls memory.

I don’t think I can say anything more about Helen that I haven’t already said I really really miss her.

To Earl Glover, man we had some good times together, JROTC, skipping school to have water fights, the graduation party in your moms basement…. LOL I still remember the line on the wall down there from where people were dancing up against it.  I know that some of the things I did made you question my loyalty but in that situation I don’t know what the best choice was but I was torn between 3 good friends, and from the way things turned out I ultimately think it worked out for the best.  I know we hadn’t talked in many years but you looked out for my sisters down there in Florida and for that I am eternally grateful.  Know that you are missed and loved down here bro!

Finally I wrote this… as a way to clear everything that was in my head… I am posting it because maybe others are feeling similarly… but know I am not a poet

One Sweet Day – Acapella Version

I have always heard it said that the reason why black fathers have a hard time staying around for their kids has to a lot to do with how slave owners would sell and trade the male slaves off shortly after a child was born to them, and while I don’t doubt that this is true after reading the first chapter “The Conversation” by Hill Harper something else stood out to me as an epic turn of events for families in America. It was called the “Man-in-the-House Rule”

Basically to sum everything up the Social Security act of 1935 created the “Aid to Families of Dependent Children” (AFDC) program. This program gave support (read: welfare) to single parent families where that single parent was unemployed. The problem with this was that for the first 33 years that this program existed there was a rule in place that denied families assistance if there was a “man-in-the-house”. This was basically defined as if the mother was living with or having relations with, any single or married able bodied male, that man was considered to be the substitute father, even if the man wasn’t supporting the child. Continue reading »

You would think that the military of all places would make it a bit easier on guys that are trying to survive and do the right thing by their kids, but I’m here to tell you they don’t give a rats butt about guys that want to do the right thing and I feel it puts guys in the position to do the wrong thing.

As most of you know I am currently deployed to Iraq and I am preparing to redeploy to the states, and I am having the hardest time finding somewhere that I can afford.

Heres my situation, in case you haven’t heard all of it, I have two kids that I pay child support for, and my payments are just a little less than my BAH (Basic Allowance for Housing), but I also need to find a place to live with the rest of my paycheck, and pay utilities. I can’t move into the barracks because as far as the army since I am drawing BAH I cannot stay in government quarters, which I understand.

What I am frustrated by is the fact that they just opened a new housing unit on the installation that I am stationed at which is very affordable and close to post. The problem is the fact that I don’t have enough rank to stay there.

The logic behind this confuses me. Lower ranking soldiers who make less money have to search the economy to find a place to live if they are “geographical bachelors” but higher ranking soldiers, who make more money, can stay at this very affordable location that is close to post.

I know some people will say well just get promoted and you don’t have to worry about it. Well trust and believe I am doing everything in my power but in the mean time I am going to either have to live over 30 minutes away from post for affordable housing or live near post and have to stretch my budget to be able to afford a place to stay.

Yes I could get a roommate but after living in a sardine can for nearly a year with a roommate I am not real keen on that idea.. I need some personal space.

I am starting to understand why some guys don’t pay child support. I empathize but don’t sympathize.

However I would just think that the Military would see the position that it puts families in thanks to frequent deployments and understand that hey, people get into bad situations and instead of helping the situation out some it puts the hardest working and lowest paid Soldiers in a position where they have to choose between keeping a roof over their own heads and making sure their kids have what they need to survive and flourish.

Don’t worry about me… I will find a way for myself… I always do.

Wow talk about timing… I had no idea this was going on!  I just wonder if this debate will also cover the right of fathers who are deployed?  Please read the article and feel free to come back and comment!

http://www.armytimes.com/news/2009/07/military_childcustody_deployment_072909w/

Thank you to @melissalamp on twitter for the heads up on this!

I know that it takes two to raise a child and that both parties should be equally responisble in the raising and rearing of a child.  Also I am not about to try to diminish anything that single mothers have to go thru on a daily basis on top having to carry a foreign growth inside your body for 9 to 10 months.  I understand that there is no way to put a price on how much the services that you in the raising of our youth.  But does that mean that fathers in this situation need to be punished for being fathers.

I am just saying that in the cases where a man and a woman create a child and they are able to work things out between themselves what gives the government the right to step in to that situation and change the rules.

I know that, sadly, the vast majority of cases deal with men and women who can’t stand the sight of each other and in that situation the court has to step in and make sure the needs of the child are met.  However if two people realize that its better for them to be separated in the best interest of the child, and they were both struggling financially before hand, why is it all of that a father has to go into poverty to support his child.

Again I got it raising a child on your own is hard work and no amount of money can cover what you go thru on a daily basis, but there are other programs that the primary custodian can get onto to make sure ends meet and mouths are fed.

Now that you have a child if you income is low enough you qualify for WIC and possibly food stamps.  Also if your income is that low you also qualify to have your daycare paid for by the state, and if you are in really dire straits the state can in some cases give you a place to stay.  However the non-custodial parent (usually the father though my coworker brought up the Kevin Ferderline situation LOL) may now not be able to afford to stay where he was staying, or possibly anywhere else, or if he can it is probably at the sacrifice of being able to get food for himself.

Now I am sure many of you out there are saying well since he doesn’t have the child he can get a second job.  Your absolutely right, except for the fact that in most states income is calculated as a whole not on an individual job basis which means even if he starts working in a job that makes him an extra hundred or two a week a bigger percentage of his check is taken in the name of child support because his entire income went up.

Also he gets screwed when he has time with his child, because if its anything longer than a weekend he has to either take off work… which means less money if he doesn’t have enough leave to cover the period.  Or pay for child care.

This is why I added a clause in my divorce paperwork that clearly stated that if my kids are with me for more than 3 weeks child support stops so that I can support my kids directly.  If you are on court ordered child support, try getting this to happen… Good Luck!  In a best case scenario you may have the amount returned to you in a few months which may or may not be in enough time to help your finances.

Yes I base my feelings off of my personal experiences because if it wasn’t for my ex-wife working with me I wouldn’t have been able to survive during our separation.

While we were married I was the sole source of income, though we both did a great job a racking up the debt.  So when we separated I knew that initially I would not be able to keep my kids due to the nature of my job.  We agreed that for the time being the kids would be best off with her, at the time we were up to our eyeballs in debt, and I was donating plasma just to ensure that we had a little extra cushion after everything was paid… we were living paycheck to prayer to paycheck.  Praying that our van wouldn’t breakdown or nothing serious would happen that would cause our finances to tank.

Well I told her since she was taking the kids to take our van too.. even though I was still making payments on it, because she definitely needed it more than I did.  I had a bike and I would ride that into work daily, I also still had to meet the lease that we had on our house.  Not to mention the debts weren’t going to pay themselves.  However again she was going to set up a new life in California and while by Texas law our debts could be split equally, I figured that I had been paying the bills so I would continue to do so.  But that left very very little money left for child support… though in a manner of speaking I was providing child support.

I know I probably just got a collective WTF but hear me out.  I was still paying the car note and insurance, also my ex was free form the portion of any debts that would be rightfully hers due to our separation, and since she was deciding to leave she was technically breaking the lease, and thus should have had to pay her portion of the rent until I could find a suitable roommate..which since it was military housing probably wasn’t going to happen.

However she and I sat down and made up a plan for support basically showing how much I could afford after putting everything on the table and how over time I could restructure our debt to enable me to pay more for child support until we got to the point where we are today where I am paying in excess of the state required amount and I do so of my own will because I see that my kids need it to survive.

I believe that most fathers would do more for their kids too if given an option like the one I was fortunate enough to have.  Now I understand that there will be comments about how mothers don’t get to ease into motherhood but I argue that you do.  You get a 8 – 10 month window of knowing that you have to rearrange your life for this child, while most separations happen within the course of a few weeks at best.

Also I am not saying that all fathers should get a pass like this to work things out but ones that can prove that they have been active and supporting their kids up to the court order should have this put into consideration when child support is ordered.  I think to do this would strengthen relationships between the mothers and fathers into one where they can be joint parents instead of at war with each other over money.

Again this is just my two cents, please feel free to comment.  I like to hear other points of view because it helps me grow and learn as a person, and hopefully it will help someone else grown and learn as well!